THE SCREAM THAT RUINED ME

 I can’t hear the alarm! I can’t hear the alarm! That was the first thought that flooded my brain and in one motion I had sprang up from my bed and reached under my pillow to switch my phone on and check the time. Hmnnnnn…came the sigh of relief as my screen revealed 4:10am. First phase of the mission accomplished!


I am a man with a vision and I didn’t easily accomplish this feat of waking up early. No! I soldered a chain of actions together and this early rise is the beginning of the culmination of my fool proof plan. The hardest part was that I had to restrain from my nightly visit to the beer parlour down the street yesterday. This means Basira, my belle was left at the mercy of all those lusting eyes that patronize her mother’s shop.

 May her wanton mind refuse to be lorded by their large pockets. May the beads on her waist refuse to jiggle to the seductive sway that invited me to her thighs. I think I am saying the wrong prayers. May their legs gravitate away from Iya Basira’s shop in my absence. If it doesn’t, may their large pockets be drained before they wander there. I shouldn’t even be praying. It is morning already and this seems like a prayer after the battle has been fought.

I hereby ban every impediment that stands in the way of my mission like this fierce urge to embrace my bed again and shut my eyes for a few minutes.

I get up from bed, carefully moving around and gathering all the necessities my mission demands so I don’t wake the people in the other rooms.

They say walls have ears. They lie. In this house, I know why there can be no secrets. Some idioms just insult this intelligence I am paying my hard earned money to obtain at the part-time College of Education I attend on weekends. There are 8 rooms in this house, 4 on each row adjacent to each other. The rooms are demarcated by planks of wood and a thin layer of cement dabbed expertly on the wood to camouflage this rape of our privacy.

I discovered this the day I brought the movie 'The Return of Jenifa' home. I didn’t know Chinedu’s children had settled down to watch it with me until I started hearing tiny giggles. It got bolder and soon graduated into rambunctious laughter. When the first CD came to an end, I was busy appeasing my angry stomach with rice and plantain so I wasn’t in a hurry to obey the ‘insert disc 2’ order dancing on my TV screen. The children were angry! They even debated coming to tell me what to do. Who do they think they are? I bought this TV and DVD with the first salary I earned as a secretary in the ministry of justice. Added the second and third salaries too.

I refuse to be drawn into a well of thoughts aimed at derailing my mission! Another glance at my phone reveals the time as 4:38am. I hurriedly open the door and become exposed to the pitch dark passage way that leads to the backyard, the target of this stealth mission.

The road seems long and narrow to my destination but I am not deterred. I know this passage way in lightness or in darkness. In this passage, Chinedu’s children have found a football pitch. In this passage, mama Lola in room 4 goes through the ceremonial bathing of her 2month old daily. This is the passage the shoes of different men tread to Sandra in room 5. Here, mr Adu's room 6 door fell loose on Dorcas in room 7 who was unfortunate to be heading to her room at the time. Monday in room 1 crosses the breadth of this passage to tryst with Abeni the single mother of 3 in room 8 anytime his wife and children are away. See, I know this passage and it knows me too so I begin the second phase of my mission armed with the gleam of my phone’s torchlight.

I had only gotten to room 3 when my phone started ringing. On reflex, my hand switched it off but not before I saw that it was Basira the devil wanted to use to blow my trumpet to the whole house. I paused a little to make sure nobody was stirred before proceeding but after stumbling on mama Lola’s buckets and almost tripping on Dorcas’ food cupboard, I realised I only know this passage in lightness. The experience that tested my resilience however was at the door that linked the passage to the open backyard. My ears were picking sounds that seemed liked rivulets of water and I was trying to decipher it so much that I lost concentration. I stumbled on a stone, and was propelled towards the wall. I didn’t know Mr Adu had placed his fallen door flat against the wall beside the entrance.

I didn’t hit the wall, I hit the door. The balance shifted and I knew it was descending on me. I waved my hands frantically, reaching for something to prevent the fall. My reflexes again saved me and I was able to hold the door and restore it to its place against the wall.

Now in the open backyard, I gave my phone the freedom to ring and my torchlight beam could roam aimlessly. The bathroom is a few feet away from the well and a gutter runs beside both. I was surprised to see water flowing to the well side at this time of the day until I heard Dorcas’ soft humming. Well, mission not totally failed. At least I will still escape the long queue for the bathroom if I have my bathe now. Afterall, the mission was to bathe early and avoid lateness to work not bathe first.

After fetching I carried my full bucket of water and that was when the witches that had been awaiting my downfall decided it was time to do their azonto dance. I was about to cross the gutter and move to the bathroom side when I slipped on the cemented floor that always had patches of green. I didn't only fall. A broken bottle that had been thrown carelessly beside the gutter pierced my leg. I yelped loud. Dorcas screamed.

She came running out of the bathroom clad in a towel shouting ‘Who be that’?

My phone was somewhere on the ground and the beam directed at my bleeding leg. Dorcas saw the blood first and screamed harder.

‘Blood. Blood…’ She was shouting and ignoring my appeal to be helped up.

The whole house woke up, bringing their buckets along to draw water and witness my downfall while their children secured positions on the queue that was already being formed at the bathroom door. Mr Adu helped me up and Dorcas gathered her wits and helped pick up my phone. I didn’t thank her for with one single scream she foiled my well planned mission.

Now I have to join the long queue at the well, then proceed to the one at the bathroom and pray to God that traffic doesn’t deal me a fatal blow today.